Pan’s Bitch

So he is single, has no kids and is kind with and even gentler voice. He is not 35 yet, people are always trying to get with him because he is upwardly mobile and it looked like he was into me. Says he has been into me for at least 8 years…always been on the periphery. I was into him the last time I was in cape town. I was into to him the last time he was in JHB and then more recently he seemed genuinely into me when he came to lunch with me in PTA just last week, but I am afraid its still not enough. It took him 8 years to make the approach. Arrg!

Careful not to say the words I love you to soon I have been less careful with my heart because for my sins I think I love him. Can you feel love to soon? I don’t want a long courtship. I am chronically allergic to the words engaged or girlfriend, I find myself wondering about how to play it. He has not asked and I have not blurted.

So now I am left wondering how to proceed. I am going to see him Saturday and Sunday and then what. Wait until he falls for me, but get bored cause it’s taking him so long (8years and counting) and then move on emotionally to another poor sod. (hoping he gets it immediately- fat chance!) By the time he realizes I am the one I have long gone. He tries to make a come back and I bask in the glory of love come at last but just a little too late. In the end I won’t choose him because my ego is a little bruised that I loved him first and it took him longer to come to the same realization.

That’s why I will not blurt out the words describing the feelings I feel. The words will sit under the hat I bought at La Fayette all those years ago. Gathering dust, occasionally I will peek underneath – sometimes take it out just to remind myself of the truth. But I won’t tell him. He must do the chasing. Right? Fuck! Hate this. Then when I am in a relationship I cant wait the get the hell out…

I have not really been good at playing games although others have accused me of it. They should know it was their hearts I left in tatters. Their lives I had plunged into turmoil, they might not have been at the ready to love me but I forced my hearts way. Now they harbour silent hatred towards me because when they were ready to give me everything I wanted – mostly all the love they can muster, I packed up my goodies and withdrew dramatically – its all about timing.

For most people – giving in to love is giving their everything, but then for me, their everything is not enough anymore and I keep spiraling in the vacuous vortex. Can my love be a black hole? Trapping light and love and leaving endless trails of dark matter in its wake, an invisible reminder to oblivous knights thinking they can conquer the honeyed Venus fly trap sex-pot despot I really am?

So once they give me their hearts – I time it so that it’s just before I bail. Cause heaven forbid now I won’t have the excuse of leaving because of love, or lack of it. The retort is always the same, he spins, I comfort, and I get to gallivant with no guilt. Am getting tired of this shit. Someone should just grab me, clobber me over the head, dazzle me, keep me amused, physically and sexually dominate over me and then voila, I will be satisfied. Paralised by love – unable to move.

But perhaps I am being too hard on myself…there are legitimate reasons for me to leave in the first instance and I must not forget it. Why then do I get such a kick out of it? Am I really that sick sick of a puppy? Is it vengeance for making me wait. Am I scorned?

I am not looking to be absolved or forgiven or made to feel better. Really I am not. It’s not your issue and rarely theirs, its mine I own this space. I know though that I can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result, right? I am not a fool…why

cant

i

just

be

happy…or lucky in love.

Maybe I am Pan’s lover and he has cursed all my earthly relationships as the gypsie woman said.

Doomed!