Ek Sukkel Bietjie Vannoggend…

Yiseeeeee. Promise I only had 2 glasses of red wine. Granted it’s the mini decanter with the glass (actually 1 and half then but that you times by 2 so three glasses? – see i am useless this morning!) but am knackered though. Morning has broken like the first morning, black bird has spoken like the first bird. I aint got no praises for no one in my repertoire today. I am just tired. Sleep deprevation will do that to you. I was told I am hot sexy last night. Hot and sexy! In one sentence by a guy who actually can string 2 sentences together and he is brown. Wears glasses and tall owns a restaurant. I have never kissed a boy who owns a restaurant. Do you think he will lead me into the kitchen after hours and ravish me on the butchers block by the sink? Ha ha ha. He looks very safe. Like he dozzent really do the crazy tangs we do.

I figrued a sure fire way to get a brother off my case though. I just tell him that I am a single mom who wants loads more children and soon! (And I actually do!) See them scamper and scatter whimpering away with their tales between their legs. Nooooo not a single moooooom. Thud. Thats the sound of their plak dropping. I usually scoop down real low and pick it up, say thanks for the lovely dance, now take that plak and just go back the way you came. Kanalla. Perhaps this is why i have not been laid in 7 months 4 days and a million seconds. I am just too picky about whose pelony pony (lol) I play with. Self enforced celebecy is one for the books honey. (said between gritting teeth) Actually it feels really good to know your mind and understand your body. Being able to say no to certain “drange” (sex, drink, drugs, vanity, greed, money etc) takes as much stamina and endurance as if you were training for some physical activity. Not taking something you want, can be as good as taking it. (Make sense?) That feeling of delayed gratification.

We want everything now and when tomorrow comes there is nothing left (not just talking about my pay cheque!).

But really, 7 months!???

Although there is the physical closeness that one misses, the kind that only an intimate connection can bring, much can be said for the space that your celebate soul occupies. That soul feel lighter, less bogged down by shit. I only do what feels right and if dont feel right then it aint right.

The distance between my head and heart is no longer an echo chamber. They sitting by the same table and sometimes i can hear them discussing my shit. My head will say something like, hey this girl needs to go out more if she is going to meet the one (my head is the one with the file o fax and clip board, he wears a pin stripe suit and has 2 cellphones, my head comes to breakfast with a to do list and puts his hand in front of his mouth when he coughs, very damn proper).

My heart on the other hand is a 65 year old androginous being that wears flower power clothes, with a bandana and a perpetual joint teetring over the lips. My heart has not worked a day in its life, it sits around and just (be’s) is. It has perfected the art of masterful manipulation and have been known to have strong influences on my genitals and bodily functions. Sometimes I cant even get a word in edgeways and between my heart and head I feel out numbered. But I am glad they are sitting around the same table. I am glad they are so different and that they both work for me.

My heart says i have met him. Many times be it in my wake or in my sleep, my heart says you just just missed him, he went round that corner or dont look now – he is right behind you. My heart tells me to not look for him because he will find me. My heart tells me when he is sad and says it knows his heart well. My heart says that when he walks right up to me both our hearts will bolt out of our chests and to meet eachother. And we will know…troubled heart you know (problems have solutions – trust and I will show….). Have a great weekend.