An Open Letter To My brother

So happy birthday baby! You are all of 27 years old. Twenty years plus seven just to rub it in. My mind boggles. Just yesterday we were playing cricket in the yard with a palletjie for a bat and tennis ball instead of the real deal. Aargh never mind those balls were too hard anyway. We watched karate kid together and for weeks were practising moves on the lawn. Our game “take your best shot”, remember I would say those words and then you would punch me as hard as you can. I know now that we were practising. It made us stronger against the blows later. Just yesterday I saw you paining over Boet en Saartjie sounding out the words silently to yourself, desperately trying to memorise them. Scared cause mommy was gonna test you later and if you got it wrong whack you over the head with that flat ruler over there! Those were the days we lived in that space. In the caravan where we slept next to each other well beyond the point of decency. You never complained though. We just got by.

You are a married man now, you have 2 children, 1 more than me and only 1 truly is your blood. I am proud that you treat both equally. He never gave us that opportunity. I know not knowing your father always bothered you, but you never complained. Do you remember when we moved to Delft into that small house – seemed like a mansion to us then. We had two rooms to choose from but night after night we chose to sleep in one space. All of us and when Nikki was born – how we hated her. Teased her until she cried, she was his favourite. Then came Marc and Jayson and all of us cramped into that small space, that claustrophobic cramped caravan. We never brought friends home, he was always at home and well…it was not really a home. So you were my best friend growing up. We shared everything. Even when I wanted to bunk school cause Mr Herbert told the class on Friday that we should not even bothered coming to school unless our books were cover with plastic and brown paper, you supported me. You were only sub B. We bought train tickets and went straight to the city. I remembered from my last journey and took you through the tunnel. I was scared but I did not show it. You were so brave. We spent hours walking around town and going to the museum. The whale sounds in that yellow drum. The Khoi-San exhibition had us in stitches! Convinced that it was actually Uncle Billy and aunty Stienie! Then home. On the same train, we bunked for a week. Still the best week of my life and I am so grateful to have shared it with you.

His voice would make you shiver and Tes, I am sorry…

I should have protected you, but I was scared too. I still have nightmares about the time he threw you tiny body against the four walls of his mother’s house. Everybody just stared frozen solid mouth agape. Horror does that to you. Nobody moved a muscle not even the air moved, only dust speckles mixed with tears and your saliva droplets and his wretched stinking sweat locked into a morbid dance. Your tears and high pitched screams ringing in my head. My Baby! You don’t know this Tes but I ran around the corner to get mom just as fast as I could and she came just as fast as she could. I felt like Lassie – unable to speak I could just point and silent tears betraying the urgency of the matter. Your face was all swollen and you were broken, baby, I am so sorry. FUCK!

We breathe in energy and light, positivity and hope surrounded by loves whitest light.

We breathe out memories of pain and hurt and anger and blows and fists and blood and fright.

I cry openly now in memory of that little boy you were and laugh with that same open heart thinking of how we have grown and moved and shifted beyond the pain. You are a miracle Tes and I love you.

You could have used the excuse of his abuse to waste your life and throw away your future. You came through, baby you came through. Now he can’t work anymore, he is tired and his fists are relaxed. Did her remember how he treated you when you were a child, when you were the breadwinner in the house years later? Does he sleep at night? You can, you should sleep a warriors sound sleep.

May your boys, both of them, grown up to adore you, may your wife treat you as a king. May her family respect and nourish you and when you look in the mirror may the reflection you see bring joy unto your soul. For you are truly beautiful. Happy Birthday day.

TM