Forgiveness

“Someone may have hurt you in the past when you were young and innocent. Anger and hate you felt, a natural feeling to have, but then forgiveness and restoration is also possible and appropriate and it feels good to give up hatred.”

Zenzen Hidalgo

I walked into the corridor, hearing it. Thinking that my mind was playing tricks on me I followed the noises that I heard, the door was ajar and I opened it. I was right. There he was, riding her like a horse at the Durban July. All I did was ask: “what are you doing?” Stupid isn’t it? A grown, married woman asking her husband that, when it was so obvious what he was doing.

I thought I’d never be able to survive that ordeal. Never be able to forgive him. As human nature has it, when a relationship fails we ask what we did wrong. The bitterness in me was all-consuming. I hated him so much, he even haunted my daydreams.

A messy divorce ensued. My life seemed to spin out of control. I like being in control. The hurt was so deep; I actually felt physical pain in my chest, constantly. I couldn’t understand. I didn’t frequent the places I used to. I went into hiding from the rest of the world. Brooding, feeding my hatred.

Everyone who knew me said that I should forgive him and let him go. Hate hurts you so much more than you think they would say. The wisest of all women, my mom, prayed and cried for me, because I just couldn’t. I never cried, I had too much hate to even want to. My face changed whenever someone mentioned his name.

And one day, in the midst of it, God shared with me. I learnt that forgiveness is like grieving. A process to be worked through. Not just something that you say you are going to do. It happened gradually. I regained my confidence. Walked with my head held high and my back straight, not all at once, gradually.

When I saw him a couple of years later, I felt nothing. No more pain, hurt or hate. It was like coming home to myself. The utter freedom that I experienced, the peace, the smile and the burst of laughter. I’m able to love, trust, share and live again. What a relief it is to be able to exchange hate for joy.

I know it’s difficult to forgive, but do it gradually. Go through the anger, hurt, pain, rejection, and acceptance and do it step-by-step. Not for them, but for you.