Bite my fat ass for not apologising!

I was thinking about my history of friendships with males. As a general rule,to a certain extent,and other such qualifiers, I think i still get along with more men than women. Which is funny given that my closest and dearest friends are women but still.

And I finally identify why i think this is true: The men I’ve hung out with – from older work colleagues to the guys I hung out with from college – don’t apologise for existing.

There are million reasons why my male friends, particularly in college,are not model citizens. And their lack of apology had nothing to do with the self-confidence and everything to do with male privilege. But the effect it had on me was to kind of inoculate me against the need to constantly belittle myself.

Not that I didn’t engage in that – especially internally. But the guys i have hung out with have not had any interest in talking about why any of of us was too something or another or not whatever else enough. They DID things. They were proactive. And some of that rubbed off on me. No, you know, literally – it’s a METAPHOR. Anyway.

As an adult with an ever decreasing tolerance for crap, i find myself almost physically incapable of listening to or reading the constant apologies from women at large. Apologies for having a certain style or not having a certain style. Apologies for having an opinion. Apologies for not having an interest in something for for being interested in something else. Apologies for being anything other than the perfect expression of what their audience thinks a woman like them should be.

It makes me incredibly angry. Not at them. Well, not usually at them. But at the convergence of societal forces which has produced this habit of apology as a verbal device to ease social situations. It doesn’t ease anything for me when friends apologise for everything. It doesn’t ease anything for me when the Supervising Lab. Technician apologises for giving me feedback on my tests.

Apologies like that just make me uncomfortable. They presume an offense that doesn’t exist. And they put me, when the apologies are specifically given to e, in the position of passing judgment. I don’t want to do that. That’s the opposite of my business. I’m not the arbiter or anything. dammit.

But if I don’t give the expected response, a blessing of style choice, a guideline for action, something, anything, then i’m the bad guy. Because I’m judging people for wanting to play by the rules. *hits head on desk*

Just…I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for dressing funny, laughing loudly, encouraging people to make their own choices and reason things out for themselves. I do not apologise for taking up space, for being angry at retailers who don’t carry fashionable clothing in my size, for thinking stores that reject me don’t deserve my money.

I am sorry when I hurt someone. When i offend someone. When i unthinkingly perpetuate a broken system. I am sorry when my actions and choices make life harder for other people. But i will not apologise for existing. And i don’t think anyone else should feel like they have to either.