Tomorrow Today

The wine was over priced, the meat was bland and the conversation revolved around him, him him him. Damn since when are boys so self indulgent, Oh Yes! I remember…Since forever! It was hard not to get up and walk out or get up and tango on his nuts. I wanted to scream, I am here! I am interesting too…ask me I can tell you. He spoke about boarding school and his mom working for nestle in the 80’s. His brother who was sickly and how this money money money thing was just a phase. He has given himself two years and then he is going to enjoy his life. He speaks like a man who is over confident about tomorrow. I listened and nodded and smiled and played with my hair and food and tongued my mouth.

He went to the toilet for ages and I called him cause I thought he left. My first faux pas… Actually I hoped he left but he did not, he came back and we continued the conversation. Well it was more like a monologue, while he was talking my mind was drifting, I started imagining him aged 50. Nearly burst out laughing as I realised that he would look a lot like JZ! Stuntman Mike. Wow. He asked me about my childhood.

I mentioned a little bit and he shook his head disbelievingly. No, you lie he said, when I told him that we lived in a caravan, no you lie he said, when I told him that some nights all we had to eat was rice with sugar water. I saw he felt uncomfortable when I told him that if I had a school uniform once during my school career it would have been a lot.

What I didn’t tell him was that my step father took me out of school when I was in standard 7, that he beat me to a pulp when ever the mood struck him, that daddy tried to French kiss me when I was 15 and when I was 16 I left my parents house (they had by then moved to Delft).

I could tell him how shit I felt about not having matric but how that did not prevent me from doing everything I set me mind to do. I travelled abroad before I was 20 and had my drivers license before I was 21, I studied media in kent and worked at radio stations (3) in cape town. That I produced a movie called shag got married then divorced and travelled to about 16% of all the world.

That my whole life has been plagued by people leaving me, dying on me. My dad, grandparents, uncles, best friends and such. That I am now a single mom struggling to make ends meet but that I am head of communications for a highly successful BEE company is JHB and that I am happy healthy and blessed beyond my wildest dreams, that everyday when I wake and at night when I go to sleep I mull over the things of my past and dream of the things in my future.

That one day I picked up a phonebook and said: “Give me G’s number”. Then opened it. Scrolled down, picked up a phone and dialled. The lady answered and I asked to speak to G. She said hold on I will go call him…I gulped as if I was hit by a thick wind, I choked when I tried to speak, I asked her if its really G, she said yes, he has no phone and this is the number he gives his friends! I believe in miracles, I gave my heart to Jesus when I was seven and took it back when I was 17. I still dig him though and have a good relationship with his dad.

I use to lie, I went through a kleptomaniac phase (lasted about 3 months), I fall in love easily and hurt on the quiet. There is nothing on this earth that scares me. Nothing and no one. I try not to impose my thoughts and listen whenever I can. I love my body, my boure it’s the only one I have and all this I can share with someone who will actually listen back. Even when I am not saying anything just listen.

Dreams are where I have the most fun. I can consciously make decisions in them. I can control my dreams, I have felt my spirit float up towards the ceiling and leave my body. It came back and I was cold and trembled, cried it was so overwhelming, I believe.

We kissed a little. Then a lot and then some more, I can still smell his perfume in my hair. Because I wanted to.

I read some people’s blogs and feel sad, not sorry, a deep sense of sadness. You must really start living your life now. Not tomorrow but right now, walking past a flower and not smelling it when you wanted to, because you are afraid, or people are watching or for what ever other reason, is denying that flower its true place in your life. That flower, person, opportunity, this life exists for you only. For me only. I cry when I hear people living lives on hold.

What are they waiting for, what are you waiting for? Tomorrow is there, but today is all we have. Make that call say you are sorry, because you, are not because you want to hear the reaction. Say I love you, be vulnerable even if you have testicles.

Growing up I dreamed of a tomorrow and prayed for it to be different from today, my step dad locked me inside the house for 1 whole year. I was not allowed to go out; he was paranoid that I might fall pregnant! As if that is the biggest bad that could happen to me. While being locked up, being forced to see each droning day through, sunrise sunset, many realisations come to you. When the day came for me to own I grabbed hold of it so tight and I never let go, I don’t walk past a rose ever and hug people with my whole body.

With my whole I heart I beg you, do it today. Tomorrow might be too late. LIVE!