The Countdown Has Begun

So finally some finality around my self enforced celibacy! Sex is on the horizon and like the notice you get in the mail about a package at the post office, I hope that the moment will be all it promises to be rather than just another letter from a debtor. Come to think of it when last did I get something special in special mail…

So the countdown has begun because I really intend giving it up. My battle to find the one and to save myself for that one is starting to wane as I fear that I might not find him ever and loving the one I am with might be the better option. The problem is that sex is so much more than the physical act of copulation, of satiating an internal ache more than that it is the connection of souls and body’s dancing in unison. Doing the same thing at the same time and the thinking behind it, for one perfect moment, if you are clear enough, getting to experience that moment together. This is the definition of sublime. Sex and love making can be sublime. More often that not, it fails me.

So I hope this promised parcel will deliver all its meant to and that I will finally be able to silence (if for a moment) this debilitating internal dialogue that’s sabotages almost every sexual interlude.

I am in the gym (in my head) and have started the veg soup. I have to loose at least 8kg’s, stop smoking, drink less, increase my stamina, bath in baby oil and get my body waxed (all over) and get some sun on it (all over). Then I will be ready. Ready for the potential. I will be able to concentrate on the perfection of the moment and not the glaring imperfection of my body and his. You see, he has a bit of a paunch too. His hair is longer than it needs to be and his penis is average at best. The times when I’ve had mind blowing orgasms with him is when pretend its not him and most importantly that it’s not me. I want to fully participate this time. I want it to be him and me. Only us, no fantasy, no strange scenarios, no covering my eyes or his. Lights on, cellulite on display, reckless abandon sex.

It should happen by next week but that’s a whole seven days away. Knowing me, anything can happen. The world is my oyster. I love the song Night and Day. “There’s an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me, and I know that I wont get through till I spend my whole life making love to you, night and day…day and night”. Tell me I should wait, tell me to be patient, tell me to hold out, tell me it’s you.