Marriannridge Myths & Legends – Volume 5

Welcome to this special issue of Mariannridge Myths & Legend. Please note if you still read with one finger or spent any time in adaptation class back in

Primary School – this one is NOT for you.

We at Hoorzuk Publishing have done extensive research spanning years, and followed a trail very treacherous, to collate the facts around the man, the myth and the legend that is The Parkfather. Many of our operative’s, informers and special liaisons very lives will be put in danger with this special report.

Without any further ado we present our feature presentation…

The Parkfather – Money, Power, Respect and Johnnies Roti’s

The Cosa Nostra… The Organization of the Hand… Many secret societies and organization’s existed before and since this particular manifestation of the Sicilian Mafia. Some of them have probably been bigger and/or more ruthless.

For example the “Corsican Mafia” are rumored to have been the most powerful and sadistic organization that ever was. They were once famously in the employ of the French President Charles De Gaulle, as the backbone of, arguably, the most secret government agency ever – Section 6. Of course none of this can be proved, and this dear reader is the exact reason why the Mafioso of Prohibition Era are as infamous as they are. We know about them. Through some media representation or the other we ALL know the names Lucky Luciano, Don Vito Genovese, Al Capone, Thomas “three-finger brown” Luccese and many more “Mafia” bosses and henchmen. The only reason was because of the courage (or cowardliness, however you look at it) of the most famous stool pigeon who ever lived – Joseph Valachi.

Today we take a look at the rise to power of a Legendary Boss. An entity that stood behind and supported, financially and otherwise, many of the people who have shaped our present. Over the years he has worn many guises and were it not for our own “Valachi” it would have been impossible to have tracked this elusive man, the dynamic and enigmatic Parkfather.

The Parkfather settled in Mariannridge in the mid-nineties. Before that he was known by many names, but the empire he built on that “patch” of grass next to the tennis court earned him the moniker that he will forever be remembered by. For a detailed account of his life before that you should go watch the dramatization of it that was filmed by Bryan Singer, which starred Kevin Spacey as The Parkfather, called The Usual Suspects.

Our story starts with our man, whom for the sake of his identity we shall only refer to as *Ninja, finally being accepted into the inner circle of trust that was that “patch” of grass. He had to prove his loyalty, dedication and dexterity by performing a 7 minute solo initiation ceremony to the extended mix of Short D*ck Man by Twenty Fingers. It took all of his willpower and restraint to not say “Haai wena small boy” during the choruses, but to do this would have certainly cost him his life. At the end of the ceremony *Ninja was knighted as a Shy Guy. The organization The Parkfather ruled with an iron (maybe a little ashy around the knuckles) fist. So began *Ninja’s double life, doing The Parkfather’s bidding while all the while, documenting and archiving the information which would lead to this expose being done nearly 11 years later. He was like a black, not nearly as hot, Deborah Patta. Every time he sat on that electric box and broke Roti with the rest of the Shy Guys he did it as Judas….

The Parkfather’s reach and influence extended well beyond the border’s of Mariannridge and even South African shores. This is what we can prove:

· He once sold a horse to Eugene Terblanche. This was after a visit was paid to him by some Minority Front delegates in the park. At a rally in Chatsworth some time after, the Minority Front leader, Amithabh “The Bengal Tiger” Rajbansi, gave thanks to “our people in the *Parks* board.

· The creator of the TV series Backstage wanted to drop the character played by Carlo Radebe due to a lack of acting talent. The Parkfather who enjoyed the actor’s scowling abilities, made a phone call overheard by *Ninja. He simply said, “Duke Stays, Vundla goes….”

· He is also known to the public as the spiritual leader Shembe.

· His appetite for success is rivaled only by…. Well… his appetite. He once ate two and a half Johnnies Roti’s. Then he killed Johnny. Because of his lifestyle he has to constantly be on the move. Those Roti’s were so good that he would be tempted to keep returning to that establishment for more. This could be an opportunity for rivals to set him up. So no Johnny – no superb Roti’s.

· In his spare time he is the president of Zimbabwe. He whiles away many a free moment issuing declarations and dreaming up ways to adversely affect the value of their currency.

· At a scientology conference a while back, him, John, L-Ron(or L Dogg as they affectionately call him) and Tom got drunk and played a high-stakes game of Porridge. It resulted in the movie “Battlefield Earth” being made strictly as a vehicle to make John look super-idiotic. He is also the biological father of Katie Holmes baby.

The list goes on. But for the sake of your flagging attention spans we shall end it there.

We hope you have read enough to whet your appetite for the unofficial autobiography due out later this year on Hoorzuk Publishing. Soundtrack available in Stores now featuring the hot new single From G-unit “Go Buy Da Book Fo’ The Parkfather Smokes that Azz”.

Only on completion of this article did we begin to wonder where *Ninja might be? The rumour is *The Parkfather* is holding him captive in a work farm. We have no way of substantiating this story so we really don’t care.

Next Week on MML Flashlight, Flashlight – The Benjamin Ball Chronicles

*not his real name