Umfaan 4 : The Fest Bite

The Fest Bite……

Hola Mpinchyam

One day upon the schoolyard, during the fest break of standard six, Umfaan’s Mfwetu, Siphothabisomandla start telling us about his fest encounter weeth the white venom from his trouser snake. He was the fest tsotsi amongst the group to have the Spem and Siphothabisomandla was too mush heppy for his achievements. He was telling us of how he pro-juiced thees venom by stroking his earthwem to a rhythm of that song G-spot and before the song she has ended, he was haveeng may-jah trubool keeping his eyes open as a feeling of intense heppiness and epilepsy gripped him.

Joh Mfwetu…it sounded too mush excitement. Jeest then and there, I had a brain drizzle…..I was going to see if I also had the spem!!! I put together the 6 years of Bantu edukasheen to make a simpool, but powaful calculasheen…If Siphothabisomandla almost die of happiness and he got a eartwem, I could die and come back to life seven times ova becoz I am having the soopa aksheen of Mtondo®…..

At second break…I jump the fence and run home faster than a Mlungu in Soweto….
When I get home, i fest put together the ingredients for my encounter:
1 Star Newspaper ( To catch the speels)
500ml cooking oil (For the loobrikasheen)
1 R Kelly TDK cassette (For rhythm)
1 naughty peeksha (for the inspirasheen)
1 set of papa’s welding gloves(for the traksheen, and I need 2…coz mtondo is beeg)

I went outside to the toilet and gently close the door. The lock she was not weking so I put my one foots against the door and start my preparation. I put the TDK cassette into my ghetto blasta and lined the floor with the newspaper. I unclip the peeksha of Umfaan my mother hangs in the toilet to keep the flies away and replace it weeth the naughty peeksha. In karate kid style, I spread the cooking oil in swift mosheens ova mtondo, and press the play….

I realize my meestake…..Instead of a R Kelly cassette, I had mistakenly put in one of my coconut sister’s rave cassettes (Coconut, it is someone who is black on the outside, but very white on the inside) . Eish!! Now Mtondo® is like a pringool, once you pop, you cannot stop. I rememba Siphothabisomandla’s advice, go weeth the rhythm. Faster and faster I go, so mush faster, my hands slip off Mtondo and hit me…..Blood mouth. Eish

A candle lights up in my brain…amaWelding Gloves!! I put the welding gloves on and start wrestling Mtondo again, eish this rave number causing the oil to start sizzling and the smell of boerewors braaing starts emanating from below. The sensation is getting tense, then it gets to the point of no return
My eyes, he no wants to stay open. I am trying very hard to keep to see what is happening but I can’t. My hairs on my head is making tingools, my teeth are pulling stiff, my throat is dry…..I cant make the breathing. I feel like the epilepsy, because my foots it pulls stiff and kicks the door seven times per second…then the scream….MMAAAYYYOOOOOOOO!!!!! Instant relief of all frustrasheens!!!! I had never been so breathless in my life Eva before….Too mush powaful….

Then I hear the applause. Hau Hau Hau? I realize…My foots, it is kicking the door off the toilet and all the neighbors was watching the performance…Embarrasment!!! Anyways, I packed up my oils, peeksha, welding gloves and newspaper and ran inside…..And if you are eva wondering..did I have spem? The answer to your question would simply be…..The toilet had a roof before I went in there.

Umfaan
De oriegienal Playa Bricklaya