Faldien Taladia
Back when we lived on Jane Avenue, Athlone, my mom and our neighbour, Aunty Fozi, were like two peas in a pod—if those peas were constantly in their nightgowns, with rollers in their hair, and a cigarette permanently glued to their lips.
Aunty Fozi was a tall, fair woman who could make you laugh until you cried, and trust me, I think I inherited my love for pranks from her. One sunny day, my brother Zakwaan and I decided to pop over to Aunty Fozi’s place. As usual, she was lounging in her front room, puffing away, surrounded by a delightful mess that could only be described as “organized chaos.”
“Hello, boys! How’s it going?” she greeted us with a smoky grin. “We’re good, Aunty Fozi. We came to see if Mogamat and Kassiem could come out to play,” I said. “Oh, sorry, boys. They went out with their dad early this morning,” she replied, her voice dripping with faux disappointment. Then, her eyes sparkled with mischief. “But hey, come here! I want to show you something.” She leaned in close, her voice dropping to a whisper as if she was about to reveal a state secret. From her kitchen cupboard, she pulled out a box and opened it slowly, like it was the Ark of the Covenant or something.
Aunty Fozi Reveals The Gem
“Look at this! The biggest diamond ever found in Cape Town,” she whispered dramatically, showing us a rock that looked more like a chunk of dirty ice than anything else. “Are you sure this is a diamond?” I asked, squinting at the thing. “Of course! I had it checked at the jewellers. It’s uncut, that’s why it looks like this,” she said, nodding seriously. “Oh, okay!” I said, trying to sound knowledgeable. “Look, Zakwaan, this is massive! Aunty could make a fortune off this!” “I have three of these,” Aunty Fozi said casually, as if she was talking about a collection of marbles. “I’ll give you one if you clean my house for me.”
Zakwaan and I looked at each other, eyes wide as saucers. “For real?!” we shouted in unison. “Yes, but first, my house must be spotless,” she said, crossing her arms like a drill sergeant. We were off like a shot, cleaning her house like two turbo-charged vacuum cleaners while Aunty Fozi trotted off to our place to chat with my mom, probably having a good chuckle at our expense. “We’re getting a diamond! We’re getting a diamond!” I sang, imagining all the lekker stuff I was going to buy. “So, what are you going to do with your half of the money, partner?” I asked Zakwaan, already mentally spending mine.
Spending My Future Wealth
“I’m going to save it, obviously,” he said, like the sensible brother he is. “Nah! To hell with that! I’m hitting up Cine 400 for a movie, then I’m buying sweets, chocolates, chips—everything!” I declared, practically salivating. “You don’t even have the money yet and you’re already spending it,” Zakwaan pointed out. “Doesn’t matter, I’m getting rich!” I sang as we scrubbed and polished like madmen. When we were done, we called Aunty Fozi back to inspect our work. She looked around, nodding in approval. “Wow! You guys cleaned better than I expected. I’m going to give each of you a diamond, just like I promised,” she said, handing us each a piece of the supposed treasure.
My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree, and I bolted out of there, yelling at the top of my lungs, “I’m a millionaire!” Meanwhile, Zakwaan, ever the cautious one, quietly pocketed his “diamond” and said nothing. I ran up to my sister Firdaus, practically vibrating with excitement. “What would you like me to buy you, sis? Anything your heart desires! I’m rich! I’ll buy you anything!” With her usual calm smile, she said, “Nothing, I have everything I could want.” “WTF? I can get you lekker chips or chocolates!” I insisted, desperate to share my newfound wealth.
Just then, my dad walked by and overheard our conversation. “So, where did you get all this money from, Mr. Millionaire?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Dad, Zakwaan and I cleaned Aunty Fozi’s house, and she gave us each a diamond worth millions!” I replied, beaming. My dad burst out laughing. “She conned you! You know she’s a prankster, right?” “No, Dad, it’s real!” I insisted, holding out the “diamond.” “Alright, let’s test it then,” my dad said, clearly enjoying himself. “Diamond is the strongest mineral on earth. If I hit this with a hammer and it doesn’t break, it’s real. If it breaks… well, it’s glass.”
My Shattered Dreams
He sent me to fetch the hammer from the garage, and I brought it back, my heart pounding. My dad placed the “diamond” on the floor, and before he did anything, I silently prayed, “Please, God, let this be real… I promise I’ll be a good boy… I’m not lying this time, like I did when I painted our neighbour’s car. Please, God, I want this money.” My dad raised the hammer, and I held my breath. He brought it down with a mighty swing—and the “diamond” shattered into a million tiny pieces. “Nooooooo!” I screamed. “She conned me!” My dad, feeling sorry for us, gave us each a R10 note, but I was devastated. My dreams of being a millionaire were shattered along with that fake diamond.
I Fell for Aunty Fozi’s Great Diamond Caper…
That night, as we lay in bed, I turned to Zakwaan. “That woman is going to pay for what she did to us,” I muttered, plotting my revenge. “Just go to sleep, man. Let it go,” Zakwaan said, rolling his eyes. But no, Dr. Evil (a.k.a. me) had other plans for the Diamond Lady…
…and that’s a story I will tell another day.
