Chipyks
The Fall of a Once Proud Henney Samurai.
…AND FYI, HENNEY IS JUST MARTEL 5STAR VO THAT WENT TO PRIVATE SCHOOL AND LIVED WITH BOTH PARENTS
🎤 Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
snow bunnies and sober warriors…
Today, we are gathered here, not for a celebration…
but for a funeral of dignity.
A moment of silence… for Uncle Shannon Sharpe.
A man who fought Skip Bayless, father time, bad suits, and undefeated thirst…
only to be body-slammed by WITVLEIS. IN. TWO. WEEKENDS.
🕰️ IN THE BEGINNING…
It’s 2013.
Uncle Shannon “Baby Gravy” Sharpe—chiseled jaw, biceps tighter than your first budget after SASSA day.
He walked into a gym.
Chest out. Swagger on “I’m Him”.
And there she was:
Snow bunny, glistening under those evil fluorescent gym lights.
Squatting so deep, she unlocked the nine realms of Valhalla.
Unc thought:
“That’s my legacy right there… my future TikTok co-parent.”
And so it began.
Cheeks clapped. Memes made. Dreams woven.
Fast-forward to 2018:
👶 Baby on the way.
Problem is…
It wasn’t Unc’s baby.
Né, my bru.
It was the gym owner’s baby.
Uncle was just the starter Pokémon in someone else’s Pokémon evolution.
🛑 AND STILL… HE DID NOT LEARN.
Fast-forward to 2017.
Unc sets sights on Nicole Murphy.
Hollywood Royalty.
Eddie Murphy’s ex.
Nicole looked at Uncle like Oumie looks at Dolphin Brand margarine:
“I’ll only use this if it’s the end times.”
Maybe he smashed. Maybe he didn’t.
Maybe he just cuddled aggressively.
Either way:
No wife.
No ring.
Just Hennessy and regret.
🍷 THE POST-TRAUMA STARTER PACK:
- 🥃 Hennessy bottle (Because hydration is overrated).
- 🧥 Tight suits (Tighter than SASSA queues on the 1st).
- 🐇 Snow bunny addiction so serious, polar bears started unionizing.
Unc walking around most probably shouting:
“Wit vleis gee mossie gout nie!”
👀
Sure Unc.
But it is a black mans kryptonite and it gave you:
- $50 million lawsuits
- Text messages on TMZ
- Court dates that hotter than a Durban taxi at lunchtime
🚨 ENTER GABRIELLA ZUNIGA: WITVLEIS FINAL BOSS
Nineteen years old.
Barely legal to rent a car.
Fully licensed to wreck lives.
Walks into Unc’s life like a petrol bomb with lip gloss.
And the kicker?
She told Unc, reportedly, with her whole chest:
“Put a Big Black Baby in me.”
Like genetics is something you can buy at Makro.
AND THEN… dropped her pricelist like it’s Black Friday:
💵 $25,000 PER CHEEK.
VAT excluded.
LEFT cheek? $25k.
RIGHT cheek? Another $25k.
Jirrr bru.
That’s not cheeks — that’s luxury townhouses in Bryanston.
That’s Sandton City with cellulite.
🔔 KATT WILLIAMS – THE PROPHET WE IGNORED
At Club Shay Shay, Katt sat there, holding his expensive ginger ale, staring into Unc’s mortal soul:
“You can be Kang the Conqueror… but a white woman will take your rabid ass down in two weekends.”
TWO weekends, Masekint.
Seventy-two hours from “GOAT” to “court appearance #457.”
Did Unc listen?
NO.
He laughed.
He poured more Henney.
He probably ordered more Uber Eats snow bunnies.
Now?
He’s standing outside the courthouse, belt in one hand, dignity in the other, hoping for bail.
🥹 MY MESSAGE TO UNCLE SHAY SHAY
Toppie,
You’re nearly 60.
You should be leading prayer meetings, not leading witness testimonies.
Instead of Hennessy shots, you should be taking multivitamins and fibre supplements.
Instead of witvleis drama, you should be fighting over pap at the Men’s Ministry bring and braai.
If you want to clap something, clap a woman who can clap back—with a job, a pension fund, and medical aid.
Stick to rooivleis, Unc.
Yes, rooivleis will give you gout.
But you can fix gout with Colchicine and prayer, boet.
You can’t fix $50 million lawsuits with Grandpa Headache Powders.
📜 FINAL VERDICT:
Witvleis doesn’t give you gout…
It gives you court dates, lawyers’ invoices, and front row seats at the Department of Poor Life Choices.
Uncle Shannon “Baby Gravy” Sharpe:
From NFL Hall of Fame…
to Hall of Fame of Poor Tinder Swipes.
Next time you make a “special,” Unc, let it come with a free Bible app and a discount voucher for Divorce Lawyers R Us.
🎤 CHIPYKS — OFFICIALLY OUT.
🕶️💥
#UncleSlaySlay #WitvleisKryptonite #HenneyAndHeartbreak #TwoWeekendsMax
